And so ends my final summer. Not with a bang, but a fizzle. So seemingly effortlessly it past me by. An amazingly unforgettable trip to San Francisco now feels like a beautiful dream I created in my head. As for the other eleven or so weeks I can't say I remember much. I feel really shitty. For letting my friends down mostly and for letting myself go so much.
I stopped feeling pretty weeks ago. It was like life said "Mmm, your done." and then took my pride and my design abilities, and my creativity with it. I feel old, to old to go anywhere in life, to old to love, to old to care, to old to really give a shit. It hurts feeling this way and yet being the crotchety old lady I always have been, I still kind of don't care.
I have big dreams and high expectations and with peoples in ability to grasp or accept that my faith in my dreams and abilities are slowly dwindling. I'm beginning to fall into a state of settling for mediocrity that I've dreaded for a very long time. It scares me and I don't know what to do.
I've had a lot of time to think while being sick, just time to sit and think and listen and hear and notice the people around me. It's generally upsetting to think for so long, and to realize so much.
I'm a hopeless romantic, my first love will always haunt and nostalgize me. I will always want him back. I'm a big dreamer, and a lot of people don't get my point of view. That's breaking down my hopes for the future. I'm an old spirit I'm full of both knowledge and ignorance. Very little will change my beliefs and yet I am infinitely learning. I hate people a lot of the time. It has a lot to do with my still evolving self-esteem. I want to break the rules of what is proper to society. But, I still stay within certain guidelines of normality. This to me is weakness and I must conquer it.
My mind is more restless than it has ever been in these past few weeks. I am troubled and at the same time enlightened.